


for the first time, i had something to lose

by skyekingsleigh



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec is having nightmares, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Jace is soft and guilty, Luke is giving free advice, M/M, Parabatai Bond, post s2 except magnus and alec never got back together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 15:11:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17664920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyekingsleigh/pseuds/skyekingsleigh
Summary: They say that the most painful thing a shadowhunter could feel is losing his parabatai.





	for the first time, i had something to lose

**Author's Note:**

> I'm in love with this ship. I know it definitely won't be endgame. I don't care. Alec and Jace's chemistry is off the charts, and I love the whole parabatai arc going on. They're endgame to me lol.
> 
> also: title from taylor swift's "holy ground."

-

Alec woke up screaming. 

It had been a well-deserved quiet week in the institute, days spent training and handling small missions and doing paperwork. Alec hadn’t come outside in five days, the last time he did being the night his boyfriend broke up with him officially. “It’s for good this time,” Magnus had told him sadly, unable to look him in the eyes. It was long overdue and they both knew it, so Alec nodded at him, not showing the slightest bit of emotion, packed whatever stuff he had left on the warlock’s apartment, and left. If he took the refill for the bottle of shampoo Magnus brewed for him a while ago, the downworlder didn’t take it against him. 

Breaking up had hurt, but if there was anything Alec was better at than following the rules, it’s compartmentalizing his feelings. He was upset but that didn’t mean the whole shadow world had to know about it. Izzy had tried to get him to talk but he always managed to evade the subject, because the truth was it was the least of his problems. With being head of the institute, on top of other problems that he managed to sweep under the rug, he had a lot of time to spend in his office. So it had been a fairly quiet and, dare he say it, relaxed week. 

And then he woke up screaming.

The first thing that registered into his mind was the pain. Agonizing, burning, easily the most painful thing that Alec had ever felt. No open wound could ever compare. He clutched the skin above his left hip in hopes to ease the ache and he was crying but not even a second had passed and it was all over, no ache or even a beat left behind, as if it never happened in the first place. It took him a few minutes to realize that he had relived the moment Jace died and his parabatai rune had disappeared. Alec immediately lifted the covers with trembling fingers, afraid to see and yet unable to possibly be calm without knowing. 

The complicated swirls of his parabatai rune glared at him, and the sigh that left his mouth was one of heavy relief.

Jace had burst into his room five minutes later, heaving and sweating and all kinds of confused.

“What happened?” He panted, heading straight towards his bead and reaching out to grab his bicep. His state of undress didn’t go unnoticed, and Alec’s eyes drifted absentmindedly to his left hip, just to make sure. “I felt your… _distress_.”

Alec snorted in spite of himself, shifting aside to let Jace slide in easily beside him. “That’s putting it lightly.”

All of a sudden the blonde Nephilim frowned, looking down at Alec’s still trembling fingers and grabbing it. “Did…Did it happen again?”

And Alec hated how vulnerable Jace had sounded, absolutely _loathed_ it, because he felt guilty for something he had no control of, and Jace could probably be crowned king of self-blame, and it hurt Alec to even entertain the thought of his parabatai being anything but happy. So he reassures him, tells him, “It’s never as bad as the real thing,” and then tugs him down, closer so that they were lying in one pillow, hairs brushing against each other.

“I can’t even imagine how painful…” Jace trailed off, eyes trained on the ceiling, but his body instantly relaxed the minute he laid down. 

Alec pursed his lips, trying to keep out the painful flashes from his mind, and opted to whisper his reply. “ _Don’t_. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, but especially you.”

Alec could remember the conversation he had with Luke in his office right after a cabinet meeting, how the werewolf had patted him on the back and told him how he understood perfectly. Losing your parabatai meant losing a part of your soul, feeling it detangle from your own slowly with the pain dragging on, and even after the rune disappears completely you’re left with a void that will always be there, reminding you of your loss and keeping you from moving on. 

“But it’s different with Jace, isn’t it?” Luke had pointed out, ignoring the confused and almost warning look that Alec shot him the minute his soul mate’s name fell from his lips. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he denied, shaking his head but absentmindedly tracing his parabatai rune through the fabric of his black shirt. 

Luke then smiled, nearly patronizingly, before giving a knowing look. “It’s different with Jace because you were in love with him.”

“I’m so sorry, Alec.” Jace’s apology contained a hundred different meanings: _I’m sorry that I forgot just how painful it would be for you if you lost me, I’m sorry I’ve been such a shitty parabatai, I’m sorry I died._

Alec pulls the covers over the both of them before tucking Jace on his side. “You came back. That’s all that matters to me.”

“I’m not in love with Jace,” his attempt at not raising his voice proved to be futile. 

“You’re not in love with Jace _anymore,_ ” Luke corrected, but there was seriousness in his eyes that made Alec pause. “There’s a reason the curse and the law exist, Alec. It doesn’t matter if you never acted on your feelings; in the end you still _felt_ them. That’s what makes your situation different, in ways more painful and agonizing than the others. You didn’t just lose your parabatai. You lost your first love.”

_Entreat me not to leave thee,_

“You came back,” he repeats in a whisper once he was certain that Jace had fallen asleep, and he counted the beats of his parabatai’s heart and was not remotely surprised to find that his own heartbeat fell in tune with it. _I can’t lose you. Not ever. Not again._

_Or return from following after thee–_

Jace shifts from beside him, mumbling. “I’ll always come back to you.”


End file.
